Good Friends, Bad Habits
by 123Quarters
Summary: After a rather wild night, Hermione finds herself in trouble with the Ministry. In order to clear her record, she has to take a remedial magic class of the most embarrassing kind. Will the twins make the humiliation more bearable, or just make it worse?
1. Chapter 1

**_Good Friends, Bad Habits_**

_Chapter One: Everybody's Doing It

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_

"This is fucking ridiculous!" Fred roared, slamming his fist against the kitchen wall. Instead of allowing his anger to dissipate, it had the undesirable effect of tripling his frustration. His twin wasn't in much better shape. George was raging up and down the living room, furiously trying to tear the official-looking piece of parchment in his hands to tiny bits with little success. No matter what he did to the offensive bit of paper, it righted itself and continued to glare cheekily back up at him.

"This is absolute bullshit!" George bellowed back, finally getting so frustrated that he balled up the offending document and hurled it into the fireplace. The paper unfolded itself neatly and sat, quite unburned, in the flames. The sight of it sitting there unharmed made George sick to his stomach, so he rampaged into the kitchen to combine his fury with that of his brother.

"We _told _that lot of pencil-pushing jackarses that we'd be experimenting with this kind of thing-"

"And they have the_ bollocks_ to send us this bullshit notice that we've _'broken the law'_."

The twins glared at each other for a moment, Fred still clutching his notice in his clenched, and now bruised, fist. Their blue eyes were strangely flat and unsparkling with their shared irritation, and anyone who knew them at all would barely recognize them without their usual mischievous grins in place. With a wave of his wand, George procured two large glasses of whiskey, handing one over to his brother.

"Pack of brainless morons," they chanted in unison, clinking their whiskey glasses together and downing them in one gulp. They slammed the glasses back on the table, Fred's shattering when it hit the wood table at a funny angle.

Letting out simultaneous frustrated sighs, they fell into the two wooden chairs on either side of the small kitchen table. The table obligingly fixed Fred's shattered glass and filled the glasses with another generous portion of whiskey, and the stove in the corner roared to life, preparing some sort of hearty stew that the twins were far too angry to eat. Fred pushed the paper away from him in disgust, letting it unroll itself across the middle of the table.

**~By Order of the Ministry of Magic~**

**The Department of Magical Law Enforcement**

**Improper Use of Magic Office**

**Mafalda Hopkirk, Head of Office for the Examination and Trials of Irresponsible Practicing of Magic by Adults**

_Mr. Weasley,_

_It has recently come to the attention of the Office for the Examination and Trials of Irresponsible Practicing of Magic by Adults that two acts of Irresponsible Magic (as outlined in Volume X11 of the Ministerial Code of Conduct, Codex 7, Clause 3200, Paragraph 913, Subparagraph 12 B, Line 1145, 2 finger widths to the right) were committed at your place of residence exactly one week prior to the delivery of this notice. As there have been several prior incidents at this same residence, you are required to appear before the Improper Use of Magic Court in person, one day after the delivery of this notice at exactly 3 in the afternoon. The Improper Use of Magic Office may be found inside the Ministry of Magic in London, England, on the second floor. Please note that this is a serious court appearance, and you should have a proper defense prepared._

_Sincerely, _

_Mafalda Hopkirk_

_Head of Office for the Examination and Trials of Irresponsible Practicing of Magic by Adults_

_P.S. I really do adore your Patented Day Dream Charms. They are excellent magic!_

The compliment at the end was not quite enough to soothe the blow of yet another Ministry hearing due to testing products for the joke shop. The twins had been through more than a few similar letters, but the final straw was that this last time they actually _had _asked permission to conduct their tests- and here they were, with another Ministry notice and this time, to top it off, an actual court date to attend! The injustice was enough to royally piss the two red heads off.

"Well, I guess we'll have to leave the shop to Verity tomorrow," Fred grumbled, flicking his wand so that a scroll of parchment and a quill appeared. He angrily jotted a few lines, letting the witch know that she would be heading up the store tomorrow on what was, of course, one of the busiest days of the year as it was almost the start of term at Hogwarts and Diagon Alley was positively flooded with customers.

When the letter was finished, Fred waved his wand, banishing it to the employee's entrance downstairs so that Verity would find it in the morning. The glasses filled again and Fred raised his to his brother in another toast.

"To our first, but hardly our last, official Ministry hearing," he proposed.

George knocked his glass against Fred's, maybe a bit too hard as much of the whiskey sloshed onto the table. "And may the lot of them end up with their genitals in a pot of Venomous Tentacula," he muttered darkly. They drained the glasses again, a bit glassy eyed now.

"I'm sure we can arrange that for Christmas," Fred assured him, heading over to the stove to see what could be done about the overly enthusiastic pot of stew.

"This is still bullshit," George snapped, pushing himself away from the table and stalking to his room. The door slammed behind him, and soon enough Fred had echoed his twin's actions, locking himself in his own room for the night. It was one of the rare unhappy nights on the loft above Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.

* * *

Hermione was quite distraught. She had never in her life been in trouble with the Ministry (unless you counted that brief span of time when she had been on it's most wanted list, but seeing as Voldemort had more or less been in control of the entire Ministry at the time, Hermione considered that a bit of a gray area), and yet here she was, holding a notice for her own hearing, signed by Mafalda Hopkirk herself. It was enough to make frustrated tears prick the corner's of Hermione's eyes, but she refused to give that official Ministry document the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

The second the thing had arrived, carried right through her bedroom window by one of those haughty Ministry owls, Hermione had summoned her complete set of the Ministerial Code of Conduct, and after a brief search, she had found Codex 7, Clause 3200, Paragraph 913, Subparagraph 12 B, Line 1145, and looked two finger widths to the right. Within seconds of her bright intelligent eyes scanning the miniscule black print, her cheeks were burning red.

Of _all _the crimes Hermione Granger would be set before a Ministry Court to be tried for, no one in their right mind would have guessed at the truth, not even Hermione herself.

_…and in accordance with the Controlled Use of Magic Decree of 1065, any persons who do perform magic without proper control of their bodies, whether in the presence of a nonmagical being or not, due to the reaching of an orgasm, whether by coitus or other means, shall be considered in breech of the law for the purpose of endangering themselves and others, as well as the secrecy of the wizarding race._

Had Hermione been blessed with the All-Seeing Eye, like her longtime idol Sybil Trelawney, she would have known that, except for the person the letter was addressed to, a certain pair of red headed twins had received nearly the exact same letter as her. The only real difference was that, whereas the twins had been called to a hearing due to their numerous egregious trespasses of the law, Hermione was being called to a hearing because, as of a month ago, she _was_ the law. Or at least, Mafalda Hopkirk's Junior-in-command.

Not wanting to think about facing her boss from the wrong side of the court room, especially not for… well, _that_, Hermione went to her bathroom and procured her emergency sleeping draught from the medicine closet. If nothing else, she would at least have a restful night of sleep before facing her entire department and being charged with one of the most embarrassing crimes a witch or wizard could commit.

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_**A/N: **_Another Fred/Hermione/George story. Or maybe technically my first one, because I'm still not clear on if my other is one or both. Hm. I know it's not quite clear where this is going yet, but be patient!


	2. Chapter 2

_**Good Friends, Bad Habits**_

_Chapter Two: Courting

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_

If Hermione had been any less distracted by the mass of papers in her hands, she might have noticed the two tall redheads leaning against the door of the courtroom. As it was, she was quite engrossed in her reading, so when she reached out to grab the door handle but ended up instead with a fistful of cotton it took her a moment to realize something was wrong.

"I've never been one to turn down a pretty witch trying to yank my clothes off," Fred said slowly, staring pointedly down at Hermione's hand where it was clutching the front of his blue button-up shirt, "but I've got to say, this is hardly the time for that sort of thing, Hermione. George and I are in a spot of trouble."

"As usual," his twin added, grinning at the very befuddled-looking Hermione.

She blushed crimson as the two winked cheekily at her, and it took her a moment to realize she was still trying to use Fred's shirt as a doorknob. "W-w-what are you two doing here?" she sputtered, tearing her hand away from the blue fabric as if it had burned her(which, knowing the twins, wasn't an entirely impossible occurrence).

George rolled his eyes, pulling his hearing notice out of his back pocket. With a look of irritation that Hermione wasn't used to seeing from the twins, he shoved the notice into her hands, knocking her own papers to the ground.

"Ministry jackarses being Ministry jackarses," he explained, rolling his eyes.

Hermione hadn't spared a glance for his notice, instead dropping to the floor with a cry as she attempted to get her papers back in order.

The twins watched her fumble about on the stone floor for a moment before one of them finally took pity on her.

"Honestly," Fred grumbled, pulling his wand out of his pocket and flicking it casually. "_Brightest witch of the age_, they called her. _Smarter than Dumbledore himself_, they said." Her papers flew up off the floor and rearranged themselves neatly in midair, while Hermione remained kneeling on the floor, her hands still held out as if reaching for the scattered documents.

George took the papers, blowing the dust off with a quick puff of air. "So I assume you'll be on the jury or the trial team or some nonsense?" he asked, watching with a bemused expression as Hermione remained in her kneeling position on the floor.

"Yeah," Fred added, "aren't you like the Supreme Overlord of the Law or something by now?"

The little joke had the unexpected effect of causing the usually levelheaded witch to burst into tears and crumple into a sobbing mass on the floor between the twins. Fred and George stared at each other in wide-eyed shock, looking as if they were either about to run away or start crying as well, just to have something to do. After a quick mental conference, they dropped onto their haunches on either side of the bawling witch, patting her soothingly, if a bit awkwardly, on the back.

"There, there," George attempted to pacify her, "it's alright if you're only Vice Overlord at this point. You've only been here a month."

Instead of calming Hermione, she cried harder- a feat which, only seconds ago, the twins would have thought impossible.

Fred shot George a bewildered look before he gave it a go as well. "Listen, Hermione, we know you'll feel bad about having to find us guilty of our charges, but on the bright side at least we probably _are _guilty, so there's no need to get worked up about it."

Something in Hermione's stack of papers caught George's eye at that moment, and in a flash he understood, partially the problem.

"Oi, what the bloody hell is this?" he demanded, pulling out an all-too-familiar notice from the pile of parchment. "Hermione, you've written this wrong! It's as if you're the one…who's…on trial…" he trailed off, jaw agape as he blinked down at the letter.

Fred snatched it away from him, scanning the familiar lines as his face grew more and more mystified.

"You've-Hermione, you've broken the law!" he crowed, bouncing up off the floor and holding the paper at arms length. Where he had once looked at it with contempt, he now stared at it as a father would look at his firstborn son. George was gazing up at it with similar awe, not even noticing that Hermione's stifled sobs had ended.

In the blink of an eye, she was off the floor, snatching the notice out of Fred's hands and wiping her eyes angrily on the sleeve of her robe.

"Yes, that's right! I've broken the bloody law and now I'm probably going to lose my job over it, so there, I hope you're happy!" she snapped, her face furious as she took out her wand and summoned her other papers from where they sat forgotten in George's lap.

The twins rolled their eyes in unison, Fred crossing his arms over his chest. "Now don't get snippy with _us_, we're not the ones who-" he paused, frowning slightly.

George was frowning as well, staring at Hermione very hard as if seeing her for the first time. "What exactly did you _do _anyway?" he asked. "I didn't read that part of the notice."

Hermione's face turned the color of the twins' hair, and they half-expected her to start crying again. Instead, she whirled away from them so that they could only stare at her back. "It is none of your business," she said evenly.

The twins exchanged a long look that was hard to read, but eventually they both shrugged, and Fred slumped back onto the ground beside his brother.

"This has to be some sort of record, Gred."

"Aye, Forge. In a single hearing, the Ministry has managed to bring down the unbelievably talented and handsome Weasley twins, as well as the one and only Hermione Granger."

"Indeed. We should call the Daily Prophet. They'd have a field day."

Hermione glared over her shoulder at them in a way that reminded both young men so very much of their beloved mother that they immediately fell silent. After a few moments of cool silence, the courtroom doors swung open, beckoning the three to enter.

Hermione very much wanted to die and sink into the cold stones beneath her feet when the committee took their seats at the raised table and blinked down their old, superior noses at her. Mafalda Hopkirk sat in the center, her aged face showing no sign of recognizing her Junior staff member among the three criminals before her. Instead, she was smiling indulgently at the two men on either side of Hermione.

"Well, Mr.'s Weasley, what a pleasure to see you again!" the old witch boomed, leaning forward over the handsomely polished wooden table to get a better look at the twins.

They grinned back at her, Fred answering with utmost sincerity. "You, too, Maffy. Haven't seen you in the shop in ages."

"Thought you'd been put off us," George added, throwing in a wink for good measure.

Hermione stared, amazed and appalled, as her aging boss giggled like a schoolgirl. The other council members (all women, Hermione noted, which was unusual) were smiling as well, all eyes on the twins. As the conversation went on in an entirely unprofessional and flirtatious manner, Hermione began to become a bit frustrated. Were the Weasley twins really _that _good-looking and likeable that they were just going to waltz out of a criminal charge with a few well-placed winks and cheeky grins?

As it turned out, yes. That was exactly what happened.

"Oh, you dears!" Mafalda crooned, pulling her large peacock feather quill toward her along with two papers that were obviously the Weasleys' sentence sheets. "I know you must be dreadfully busy with that marvelous store of yours! And of course, you were only experimenting with more of your wonderful creations when the trespass occurred, I'm sure."

"Quite right," the twins chorused sweetly. George went on to explain. "We've been testing out some particularly potent aphrodisiacs for our Wonder Witch products and, well-" he gave a sheepish grin that anyone who wasn't familiar with the him would have thought was completely sincere.

"You know how things can get a bit out of hand," Fred finished, tossing yet another wink to the wrinkly old bat. Hermione frowned at herself- since when had she begun to call her boss a wrinkly old bat?

"We all get out of hand now and then, and the two of you are surely _quite _passionate," Mafalda continued, winking suggestively. Hermione's stomach churned with disgust and fury at the unfairness of it all. "By law, I have to give you some sort of sentence, so I'll just mandate that you attend a week-long class on magical control, dears."

The twins grinned at her. "Thanks, Maffy. Sounds a bit too educational for our tastes, but we'll take it."

"As for you," Mafalda said, her honeyed voice dropping to its normal business-like tone as she looked for the first time at Hermione. "It's a first offense of the simplest degree- failure to control magical actions while reaching an orgasm. As it's a first offense, there will be no jail time. You are required to pay a fee of one hundred Galleons. Also, for good measure, you will be required to attend the aforementioned control class. As your duties as Junior Officer are quite important, you will be expected to take the noon class during your lunch break while still completing all of your assigned tasks. That is all." With a final benevolent smile at the Weasleys, Mafalda banged her gavel and Hermione stood in numb disbelief as the assembled court dispersed.

On either side of her, the twins had similar expressions of incredulity as they stared down at the frazzled witch between them. Finally coming to herself and sensing the twins' awed gazes, Hermione realized that Mafalda had revealed to the two jokesters that she, Hermione Granger, had…well…_had._ Cheeks burning like fire, she rushed from the court room before they could say a word.

Once she was safe in her office, Hermione finally let out the breath she had been holding since meeting the Weasley twins outside of the courtroom. The truth was Hermione nearly had a heart attack when she saw the twins leaning against the doorway, terrified that, somehow, the Ministry had accessed her thoughts while she had been having her orgasm and brought the twins into the courtroom as a sort of witness. It had, after all, been _them _she'd been thinking about when she'd lost control.

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**_A/N: _**Thanks for the reviews/favs! Should mention that the title of this story comes from the song "Good Friends, Bad Habits" by Owen. Great song!


	3. Chapter 3

_**Good Friends, Bad Habits**_

_Chapter Three: Who Do You Think About?_

Hermione arrived to the assigned Ministry classroom ten minutes early, and she was glad to see that no one else was there. It was going to take a moment to control the waves of humiliation washing over her at the moment. Hermione had only told one person of her court sentence- Ginny Weasley. She wasn't exactly surprised when Ginny laughed and shrugged it off as no big deal.

"_Please_, Hermione. I'm a Weasley- this sort of thing happens to us all of the time," Ginny had said airily, rolling her eyes at the concerned look on Hermione's face.

Hermione frowned slightly. "Well…well, I suppose that's true. Fred and George were on trial for the same thing."

Ginny had laughed even harder, turning bright red. "Ooooh wait til I tell Mum! She'll have their hides for this. It's the third time this year for Fred, and the fifth for George!" When Hermione failed to laugh at this, Ginny had sighed and patted her shoulder comfortingly. "Don't worry, the class is pretty easy to get through. You'll just have to talk about your feelings and all that sort of mess."

Hermione was quite sure she didn't want to talk about _her feelings and all that sort of mess_ with a room full of strangers and the Weasley twins. She took a seat at the front of the classroom, simply out of habit, and looked around at the rather disturbing interior. The walls were plastered with posters bearing ridiculous slogans about contraceptives ("Muggles aren't being silly, you should really wrap your willy"), magical control ("Turn your magic down low before you blow!"), and magical sexually transmitted diseases ("Troll Fever turns the genitals blue, have unprotected sex and it could happen to you!"). It was a very uncomfortable classroom for Hermione, because it reminded her very much of the awkward health classes she had been forced to take in Muggle school.

Shaking off those very uncomfortable memories, she set her briefcase on the desk in front of her and took out the new casework she'd been assigned. It was something about Muggle baiting, her first really serious piece of work. The least she could do while stuck in this terrible class an hour and a half a day was to try and get some of her _real_work done. She had just reached a rather interesting paragraph in the report about how the Muggle being baited had gone completely bald due to the hat the offending(allegedly) wizard had sold him, when the classroom door banged open loudly and caused her to drop the several-page report on the floor.

"Bloody hell, Verity's going to run the shop dry without us there," complained a familiar voice.

It was answered with a light chuckle. "Honestly, every half-way decent-looking bloke that walks in the store gets half-off the price when she's at the register."

"It's a damn shame."

"A right travesty."

"A- Hermione?"

She slammed her head into the desk in her haste to stand up from her kneeling position on the floor where she had been trying to gather her papers. The twins let out identical barks of laughter as they came to lean against her desk on either side of her.

"Honestly," said George, grinning broadly. "You can't keep a hold of anything when we're around, can you?"

Fred nodded in agreement, waving his wand and sending her papers into a messy pile on her desk. "I know we're attractive and all, but there's no need to get so antsy around us. We are, believe it or not, mere mortals like yourself."

"Most of the time," George amended thoughtfully, fingering through the papers with little interest. With his other hand, he ran his fingers through his hair, pausing a fraction of a second too long over the place where his ear should have been. If Hermione didn't know him better, she might've thought it was a self-conscious gesture. As it was, she was having a bit of trouble concentrating on the twins teasing her- between the awful pain in her head and the fact that their crotches were uncomfortably close to her face, it was commendable that she was able to think at all.

Hermione huffed, glaring at the two of them, trying to ignore the heat of embarrassment in her cheeks. "My dropping things has nothing to do with how _attractive_you are," she began angrily, trying to straighten her robes even though they were quite straight already.

"Ah, it's our charm then," George said sympathetically, giving her a comforting pat on the shoulder. She shook his hand off, glaring at him balefully.

"Gets them every time," Fred agreed with mock sadness and an apologetic grin. And there it was- that smile. Hermione could never stay mad at them when they smiled. Instead, she became quite irritated with herself.

"_No_," Hermione said through gritted teeth, finally managing to struggle to her feet. "If you two weren't so loud and obnoxious, I wouldn't have dropped my papers. It has nothing to do with _charm_or how amazing you look." Honestly, no one could rile her up quite like Fred and George.

They were now grinning from ear to ear, arms crossed proudly across their chests as they propped themselves on her desk.

"Hear that, Gred? She thinks we look _amazing_," George proclaimed loudly enough that everyone within the Ministry would easily hear him.

"Why, I'm flattered! We've been called a lot of things by Princess Granger, but _amazing?_" The twins let out a long, low whistle in unison.

Hermione felt her face burning red again, and she attempted to hide it by opening her briefcase and shuffling her papers about. It wasn't long though before she felt the breath of one of the twins on the side of her neck, and she stopped moving entirely, confused and dizzied by the unexpected too-close proximity.

"So," George asked in a low, husky voice, right in her ear, "what landed you in here, Granger?"

Hermione nearly fainted from the feeling of his warm words tickling her ear, but she took a shaky, steadying breath and tried to ignore him.

Too bad the twins were, as already mentioned, the only ones who really knew how to get her going. Fred was now pressing his lips just barely to her other ear, and his breath made her shiver as his words fluttered across her sensitive skin. Her skin caught fire when he brushed his fingers across her cheek, brushing her hair aside to get his lips closer to her earlobe.

"What was going through that brilliant mind of yours when you lost control?" he murmured. Hermione's entire body felt hot, and she tried to hide her shaking hands in the sleeves of her robes. An all-too-familiar tightness was forming in the pit of her belly, and if the twins didn't stop soon, Hermione was quite sure she would end up with another week in this damned classroom.

"T-t-that's none of your b-b-business!" she gasped, shaking her head so that the twins were forced to back off a few inches. She knew she was failing to sound calm or collected in the least, but there wasn't much she could do about that as her heart threatened to jump straight out of her chest. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to ignore the presence of the only two people in the world that could make her heart pound like the bass drum of a marching band.

She felt the removal of their heat as they leaned away from her, and nearly dropped her entire briefcase when the door to the classroom opened again. Her eyes flew open and she turned to see who else would sit through this humiliating experience with her.

As it turned out, quite a few people. It seemed that every other person to walk in the room had been in Hufflepuff around the time Hermione was at Hogwarts. She didn't meet anyone's eye, and they all seemed equally determined not to see her either. The twins, however, were not to be put off their cheerful behavior.

"Oi, Ernie!" Fred called loudly, waving at the blonde man that had tucked himself into the farthest, darkest possible corner.

"Hannah, dear!" George yelled sweetly, waving energetically at a witch who was hiding her face behind a Daily Prophet. "Oh, Tiffany, darling! What a reunion!"

When they were quite done calling everyone in the room out by name, the twins dragged chairs up to Hermione's desk and sat on either side of her, which she really wished they wouldn't.

"I'll be damned," George whispered, grinning at Fred and Hermione(though she was steadfastly staring at a spot on the ceiling), "I guess we finally found out what Hufflepuffs are good at, yeah?"

Fred snickered, casting a sidelong glance at a pretty girl who'd been in his year. "Hell, we knew that already."

The twins exchanged an amused, meaningful glance, and seemed ready to go into more detail (which Hermione very much did not want to hear), when the door opened slowly. The entire room turned to watch the teacher enter, and Hermione, for once in her life, could not force a single thought into her brilliant mind.

"I'll be damned, again," George said, eyes wide.

"I'll be damned with you," Fred agreed.

"Hello, everyone," Luna Lovegood said airily as she drifted up to her place at the head of the classroom.

Hermione, for her part, felt that the twins needn't ask to be damned at all. They were all, clearly, already in hell.

**_A/N:_**__Thanks for the reviews, everyone! You're all wonderful! Now that we're finally getting into it, hope you like it!


	4. Chapter 4

**_Good Friends, Bad Habits_**

_Chapter Four: Someone Doesn't Respect the Circle of Trust Very Much_

* * *

"Everyone push the desks to the sides of the room, please," requested Luna once she had everyone's attention. It didn't take long, possibly because she was wearing robes that constantly changed from bright, tacky color to brighter, tackier color.

The class stood in unison and waved their wands to send the desks against the wall. There was a bit of a mishap that involved one desk chasing Zacharias Smith around the room for a moment, and Hermione had a sneaking suspicion that it had something to do with the way George's hand was hidden too-casually in his robe pocket.

"Now let's all come sit in a circle in the middle of the room," Luna instructed, summoning a bright orange pillow from somewhere and plopping herself down on the floor. Hermione groaned aloud, realizing that this was going to be a bit like Muggle yoga therapy or some nonsense like that. Grudgingly, she summoned her own pillow and seated herself as far as she could from Luna while still being considered a part of the circle. To her chagrin, Fred and George once again descended on either side of her, looking, for once, about as unhappy as Hermione with the way the class was progressing.

There were ten members of the class, if Luna was included. They all sat spaced as far from each other as possible, staring at points on the floor or ceiling and looking uncomfortable.

"This blows," Fred grumbled under his breath. Hermione was surprised to find herself nodding along with George in agreement.

"Now we're going to create a _circle of trust_," Luna continued airily, wide gray eyes traveling from one uncomfortable face to the next. Fred and George waggled their eyebrows at her suggestively when she reached them. "The circle of trust means that nothing said in this room can be repeated outside. It's widely known that Umgubular slashkilters prey on people who break the sacred circle of trust."

Hermione was about knee-deep in as much bullshit as she could handle, and the twins grinned broadly when she said, not exactly quietly, "Humbubular sash-kickers, my arse."

Luna did not seem to hear her, instead continuing with her informative speech about the sacred circle of bullshit. "We're going to begin the circle by holding hands- that's it everyone, take the hand of the person next to you- and performing a little trust exercise."

Hermione grudgingly allowed Fred to take her right hand while George took her left. There was a bit of a scuffle as Ernie, who was on Fred's other side, seemed to have a bit of a reservation about taking Fred's proffered hand.

"I don't really feel all that comfortable holding hands with a bloke," the blond said, eyeing the Weasley wearily.

"I don't really feel all that comfortable giving a damn about what you have to say," Fred retorted, grabbing Ernie's hand a bit too forcefully. Hermione had a feeling Fred wasn't at all jazzed about holding another man's hand either- he just liked making the poor Hufflepuff uncomfortable. She focused on that, desperately trying to ignore the way the feeling of the twins' hands wrapped around her own was making her a bit giddy.

"Now for the exercise," Luna continued, blissfully unconcerned with whatever was happening around her. "Let's start off simple, alright? We'll just do one trust exercise a day. We're going to go around the circle, and I want you to say something kind to the person on your right. I'll begin." She turned to Hannah Abbott, who looked very uncomfortable as she stared at Luna's hand grasping her own. "Hannah, I hardly think there are any Nargles buzzing around your head at all."

Hannah forced a smile. "Thank you, Luna." She turned to Tiffany. "You have really nice shoes."

"Thanks." Tiffany turned to Zacharias Smith. "You were okay at Quidditch," she said, though she didn't look as if she really felt that way at all.

Smith grunted and turned to Finch-Fletchley. "You weren't a bad roommate. Could've been better, and you snored. But, as I said, not bad."

Justin rolled his eyes, more than used to Zacharias's unsavory personality. He turned to Susan Bones, grinning. "You were a blast to go to school with, Susan. Probably the best witch in our year in Hufflepuff."

Susan blushed, looking pleased. "Thanks, Justin." She turned to George, who winked at her suggestively.

"Your shop is absolutely brilliant, and the day you left Hogwarts was the most amazing thing I've ever seen," Susan said promptly. She squeaked in alarm when George swooped in and planted a quick kiss on her cheek.

"Thanks, m'dear." George turned his attention to Hermione, who was silently dreading whatever he had in store for her. "You, Hermione Jean Granger, are my reason for living. Fred and I wouldn't be where we are today if it weren't for you constantly nagging us and giving us detentions. Why, we wouldn't have a joke shop at all if we hadn't needed new ways to drive you mad."

"Absolutely," Fred agreed.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Fred, I… well, let's see." She paused, trying to think of a compliment worthy of Fred Weasley. "Fred, you're the funniest person I've ever met, along with George. You two always made me laugh, even when it pissed me off."

The redhead beamed at her.

"Ernest," he said seriously, turning to stare mock-longingly at the red-faced man beside him. "_You _are the missing puzzle-piece to my tortured soul. You are the red hair to my Weasley, the scar to my Harry Potter. Without you, I could not go on. Oh, lover, take me now!" he wailed, throwing himself headlong into an entirely unreceptive Ernie. The blond looked as if he very much wanted to run from the room as the ginger fake-sobbed against his shoulder.

"That was lovely," Luna's voice commented, forcing everyone to tear their eyes away from the melodramatic display.

Hermione was having trouble not cracking up as she watched Ernie attempting to extricate himself from Fred's determined embrace. George was nearly in tears at her side, and he whispered conspiratorially, "He's always had a thing for unwilling blonds. That's why we hired Verity." Hermione snorted, composing herself in time to see Ernie turn to Luna after Fred finally released him. Fred shot Hermione a wink, and she couldn't help but grin at him.

"Luna, your…um…your hair is quite nice," Ernie said dully, still red-faced from Fred's attack.  
"Thank you, Ernest," Luna beamed. "Now we're going to return to our desks and learn about sexual intercourse."

* * *

_**A/N: **_Thanks for the reviews and everything! You're all wonderful!


	5. Chapter 5

**_Good Friend, Bad Habits_**

_Chapter Five: Ms. Anderson, _

* * *

"Sexual intercourse," Luna stated bluntly as everyone in the class attempted to keep straight faces, "is the reason most of you are here right now. Looking through your files, I found that there are a few cases in this class that involve masturbation," –here, Fred and George grinned broadly and scanned the room with curious eyes, while Hermione stared straight ahead, refusing to allow her concentration on the brick wall to waver for even a second- "but that's really rare."

"I'd hardly call wanking _rare_," Fred whispered to George over Hermione's head.

George stifled a laugh with a fist held up to his mouth. "Especially with this lot. That Zacharias bloke has never seen a twat in his life, I'll bet my right nut on it."

Zacharias, unfortunately, heard this, and turned sharply in his seat to glare at the twins who were now snickering loudly.

"I've seen more than you two combined!" he snapped, crossing his arms angrily over his chest.

"Seen more what, exactly?" Fred shot back.

"More- more…more action!" Zacharias spat, rather lamely and unconvincingly in Hermione's opinion.

George and Fred stared at him with very serious expressions, and Hermione instantly knew that Zacharias was about to be humiliated somehow.

"I'm afraid it's not really _action_-" George began, his words seamlessly flowing into Fred's.

"when you're choking the chicken-"

"spanking the monkey-"

"beating the meat-"

"bashing the bishop-"

"having a good old-fashioned night in with Palmela Handerson."

At this, exactly three people in the room let out loud snorts of laughter, one of them being Hermione. Justin Finch-Fletchley and Hannah Abbott were the others; and all three were bright red in the face as they attempted to stifle their hysterical bursts of giggles.

Zacharias didn't find it funny at all. "Who the bloody hell is Palmela Handerson? Why are they laughing?" he yelled, glaring from one twin to the other and then to the three who were now positively breathless, nearly crying from mirth.

The twins were shaking with laughter, as well, while Luna was smiling indulgently from the front of the room, apparently completely fine with the way the class was going.

"I-it's- oh my," gasped Hermione between great sobs of laughter, her ribs positively aching to the point of tears forming in her eyes. She couldn't even get another word out as she dissolved into another fit of giggles.

"It's a Muggle saying," Finch-Fletchley nearly wailed as he tried to contain himself. "It sounds like the name of a Muggle porno woman, b-b-but it's-" he broke off, surrendering to the stitch in his side as he ducked his head into a new wave of laughter.

The pureblood witches and wizards in the room, aside from Fred and George, all looked rather confused still. The twins were positively beaming as they each held out their right hands to Zacharias.

"_Palm_ela," Fred enunciated, moving his hand suggestively.

"_Hand_erson," George followed suit, waggling his eyebrows at Smith.

The entire pureblood portion of the class, sans Luna, groaned loudly. Everyone except Zacharias broke into renewed chuckles.

"I don't get it," he huffed, apparently feeling the whole room was in some conspiracy against him.

Nearly everyone turned to stare at him in disbelief after finally managing to calm down.

"He's a right git, isn't he?" Fred asked Hermione once things had completely settled down and Luna had begun her talk again.

Zacharias, though there was no way he could've missed Fred's comment, had the good grace not to respond this time.

* * *

**_A/N: _**This isn't actually anything important to the story (is anything important to this story?). It was just something that demanded to be written, whether it worked or not. My Weasley twins are based a lot off the the MacManus brothers in Boondock Saints XD I only just realized that. In fact, not going to lie, I started writing a spoof on Boondock Saints starring the Weasley twins. Ooooh my.

Anyway, this update will be the last for a week or so, as it's Spring Break. Thanks for all of the reviews and everything; you're all wonderful as always.


	6. Chapter 6

**_Good Friends, Bad Habits_**

_Chapter Six: Things We Can Stick Places_

* * *

"Now, I'm supposed to teach you all about magical control in uncomfortable situations," Luna said, eyes fixed dreamily on the far wall where a magical poster was demonstrating the effects of some rather awful MSTD's. "As many of us learned back in Dumbledore's Army, the best way to learn is by doing. Let's all partner up, and we'll get started."

Hermione instantly felt all of her muscles tighten in unease. 'Partnering up' in a class meant for teaching control during _sex? _Absolutely no good could come of that. Despite her apprehension, she had to fight back a grin as George sauntered over to Zacharias' table and stretched himself across it like an old-school Muggle lounge singer reclining suggestively on a piano.

"Well, lover-boy, let's hop to it," George purred before sucking one of his own fingers into his mouth in a manner that was _far _too sexual for anyone in the room to be comfortable while it was happening. Zacharias watched with wide terrified eyes as the redhead slowly pulled the finger out of his mouth, and then, in an impossibly fast movement, George was sitting upright on the table with his saliva-covered digit inserted firmly into Zacharias' ear.

"Surprise!" George crowed, prancing away before the irate man could even shake off the whole-body tremor of disgust that gripped him.

Hermione was now red-faced as she turned away from the spectacle, only to become even more red-faced when she found Fred sprawled out across their own table, waggling his eyebrows suggestively at her.

"If you so much as think of sticking your finger in my ear, I'll curse it off, Fred Weasley," she said flatly, watching him with suspicious eyes.

Fred grinned, sitting up and swinging his legs around so that he was leaning casually against the desktop. "I can think of much better places to stick my fingers, thank you very much," he whispered just a little too loudly. Hannah and Tiffany, at the nearest table, broke into hysterical giggles. They were already nearly breathless from watching George torture Zacharias.

"Fred Weasley!" Hermione groaned, rolling her eyes and trying to hide her reddening cheeks.

He just grinned, eyes sparkling with laughter as he turned and pretended to give Luna his full attention.

"We're going to do some exercises, and you're going to have to control your magic while in close proximity with another person," Luna explained, standing next to Tiffany who was left partnerless thanks to George's early claim on Zacharias. The latter raised his hand, a glare fixed on his face.

"Yes?" Luna asked dreamily.

"I want a different partner. I don't want to be in close proximity with another bloke."

George rolled his eyes, slapping a hand on Zacharias' ass. He flew a few feet into the air, yelping.

"You'd have to have a bit more meat on you to tempt me," George said matter-of-factly as the now blushing and even angrier Zacharias turned his full glare on him. "Also, a bit _less _meat on you in other places, if you get my meaning," George continued, staring pointedly at the Hufflepuff's crotch. "Though I supposed there can't be too much there to start with. I've always thought you seemed a bit insecure about _something…_"

Luna continued as if Zacharias had never spoken. "So now that we're all in pairs, let's begin. Try to cast a basic shield charm while your partner holds your hand."

Hermione shifted uncomfortably as Fred sidled closer to her; if it were _anyone else_ (excepting George) she wouldn't have had a worry in the world. She'd done magic holding Harry and Ron's hands plenty of times. Fred was a different story.

"Who first?" he asked brightly, holding out his hand for her to grasp.

She eyed it for a moment, half-expecting to see some sort of electric shock-button on his palm as a prank. He grinned broadly as he caught her weary look. "Come on, Granger. Would I really prank you when that boob Zacharias is here, just begging for all of our Weasley Twin attention?"

"I've found that you and George have always had more than enough energy and creativity to prank as many people as you'd like," Hermione muttered, gingerly taking Fred's hand. He chuckled, squeezing her hand in his rather larger, more calloused one.

"You're full of complements today, Hermione," he said, pulling his wand out of his pocket and easily casting the shield spell wordlessly. "If you keep that up, my fingers won't be the only thing I stick in you." Hermione's face turned bright red, and she sputtered angrily for some sort of condemnation. Fred was laughing, head thrown back and shoulders shaking merrily. Angry as she was, Hermione couldn't help but admire him. She'd always loved how the twins laughed- Fred, always with reckless abandon, throwing his whole body into the action; George tended to fold in on himself as he laughed, clutching his ribs and shrinking- the opposite of his twin.

"Fred Weasley!" she hissed, trying to tear her hand away from his in protest to his bawdy comment. He just laughed harder, holding her hand tighter and tugging her closer.

"You know I'm only joking, Hermione," he chuckled in her ear, and she gritted her teeth. "Also…" he added thoughtfully before trailing off.

"Also what?" Hermione demanded, trying to wriggle out of his entirely too-close embrace.

"Also, I've always liked how you say my name like that. The whole thing, you know? And so disapproving, like I've puked on one of your precious books or something," he whispered, like he was telling her a very important secret.

Hermione was half-watching the rest of the room, waiting on someone to notice how inappropriately close Fred was to her. Everyone else's attention seemed to be completely focused on some havoc George's apparently failed shield charm was wreaking on Zacharias Smith's face, though the poor Hufflepuff couldn't do anything about it as George was still resolutely holding his wand-hand and attempting to cast his shield charm the correct way, smiling all the while.

"You _have _puked on one of my books before," Hermione muttered sourly.

Fred looked thoughtful for a moment, then smirked. "Oh yeah, sixth year. Good times."

Hermione snorted, glaring up at the redhead. "You're a piece of work, Fred. You really are."

"And _you _haven't cast your shield charm yet," he pointed out, finally allowing her to put a decent amount of distance between them.

"_Protego_," Hermione said firmly, pointing her wand between George and Zacharias while keeping her disapproving eyes locked on Fred. The odd feathery-tentacles that had erupted across Zacharias' face dropped to the floor and disintegrated. George beamed.

"It's okay everyone, seems I've finally mastered it," he called happily, clapping his unhappy Hufflepuff partner on the back. "What's next? Snogging?" He sighed dramatically, then puckered his lips. "Come on, big boy. Take one for the team."

Zacharias gagged and darted out of the classroom, maybe suffering an after-effect of whatever strange tentacle charm George had "accidentally" cast on him, or maybe just suffering from a severe premonition of what might befall him next.

"Break time," Luna called serenely.

* * *

**_A/N: _**So there's a new chapter. Thanks for all the reviews and support! You're all lovely and wonderful.

-Quarters


	7. Chapter 7

**_Good Friends, Bad Habits_**

_Chapter Something: Like the Good Old Days_

* * *

"This _can't _be a good idea," Hermione moaned to herself. Her breathing was uneven and her heart raced in her chest, but she forced herself to peek around the corner into the adjoining corridor. Halfway down the long stone hallway, Fred Weasley was leaning casually against the wall, flipping through the _Daily Prophet._

He glanced towards her after half a second, and gave the smallest nod. Hermione felt cold sweat break out on her forehead, but she returned the nod and waved him towards her. Fred grinned, shoving the magazine in his back pocket and hurrying in her direction.

"All clear?" he murmured as he came up beside her and they started down the new corridor.

"Zacharias just went into the loo," she affirmed. "One other man went in, but he's come and gone already."

"Excellent," Fred hissed, face positively evil with excitement. He cleared his throat loudly, and George came out of a nearby niche in the wall, wand in hand. The three of them reached the loo and the twins bowed their farewell to Hermione, both grinning broadly as they ducked into the bathroom.

George paused in the door, winking at her quickly. "Wait for us in that handy little alcove, Brains."

"Don't call me that," she grumbled, but he'd already shut the door behind him.

Hermione nearly sprinted back to the niche in the wall, ducking into the hidden safeplace to wait for the twins. It was ridiculous- how the twins could talk her into this sort of thing. She felt like she was back at Hogwarts, acting as a lookout for Harry and Ron on one of their illicit late-night adventures. It was terrifying and gut-wrenching. But also thrilling…

"Heads up!" a voice hissed in her ear, and she nearly jumped out of her skin. George slid into the niche beside her, and Fred wedged in on her other side. They were both radiating joy- whatever they'd just done had gone well.

"Thanks for being our lookout, Hermione," Fred whispered, shifting to get more comfortable. "George and I aren't really supposed to be in this wing of the Ministry unescorted."

Hermione's eyebrows swooped together into a concerned line. "Why is that exactly?"

She felt both twins shrug on either side of her, and George answered vaguely. "You know. Stuff. Reasons. Blah, blah, blah."

Deciding it was a bit late to worry about it now, Hermione pushed that train of thought aside. "What did you do to Smith, anyway?"

Low chuckles echoed quietly in the hidden alcove, bouncing off the close stone walls eerily.

"You'll see."

"It's rather good, if I say so myself."

The hallway became silent except for the three of them breathing, waiting on Zacharias to emerge from the toilet. Hermione glanced anxiously at her watch- only four minutes until they were due back in Luna's classroom. She was beginning to get fidgety, unaccustomed to being late or even coming close to it. She had barely recovered from the near-heart attack of being their lookout, and now she was going to be late? That just wouldn't cut it. That wasn't okay at all! It was an outrage, a disgrace, a-

"Fred. George. Whichever one of you that is needs to remove your hand _this instant_."

The light pressure removed itself from her backside, only to be replaced with similar pressure on her other buttock.

"_Move it,_" she hissed.

Instead of the twin (she was fairly sure it was George) removing his hand, Fred placed a hand on her chest as if it were the most natural thing to do. She gasped and turned to glare at him, but the quarters were close and the move caused her body to press firmly into George, who wrapped his arms around her waist. She glared over her shoulder at him, but instead of looking ashamed he...he _licked _her face.

"George!" she protested, only to recall Fred's inappropriately placed hand and turn her glare back to him. "Fred!"

"Hermione!" they chorused happily. George squeezed her so tight that she lost her breath, and Fred leaned forward to lick the other side of her face. She groaned in disgust, struggling to push him away and free herself from George.

"Hello, you three," the dreamy voice of Luna greeted from the hallway. Hermione's head snapped around, cheeks bright red. Luna smiled at her serenely, then nodded to the twins she was sandwiched between. "You should probably head back to class in a few moments."

"Righto," and "See you then," Fred and George sang.

Luna headed off, and Hermione tried to rip herself out of the niche and out of the twins' grasp.

"Let me go!" she whined, frustrated and confused and nearing heart failure. Fred grabbed her hand and spun her back in between George and himself, holding a finger over her lips.

"Sorry, sorry, just having a bit of fun," he whispered, eyes sparkling as he tried not to laugh. "Just wait one more moment. We want you to see Zacharias before anyone else."

Hermione huffed, more than ready to leave the cursed alcove. She was just about to storm off again when footsteps made the three of them freeze. Hermione's eyes fixed on the point in the hallway where Zacharias was sure to appear-

And he did.

Or rather, _she _did.

"You didn't," Hermione said, her voice a faint echo as the gender-swapped Smith passed by their hiding place. His-her?- face was pale and angry, and his-its-her robes fit awkwardly.

"Fuck yes we did," George confirmed, beaming.

"Oh, dear," Hermione sighed, unable to count how many laws had just been broken. Poor Zacharias looked so confused and uncomfortable, and he seemed to be unsure of exactly how to walk now that he didn't have... well, now that he was a she.

The twins didn't seem to notice her reserve. Instead, they dragged her out of the niche and after Smith, headed back to the classroom.

_I really must learn to say no when they ask me to help with things, _Hermione thought ruefully, but she couldn't help the smile that formed on her lips as the twins shook with laughter on either side of her.


End file.
